Wheel of The Sword of Truth
by bengrande
Summary: Not so much WoT as SoT, but characters from both. Guaranteed to be the funniest fic you ever read!


The Truth of Sword

Richard Cypher paced the cell he was held in. The leash attached to the collar around his neck gave enough slack to walk back in forth, deep in thought. Once again, to increase the dramatic tension, he was separated from his beloved Kahlan.  
  
Richard tugged experimentally at the leash. Blinding pain shot through every fiber of his body.  
  
He doubled over, fell to his hands and knees, and breathed deeply until the pain had passed. "Of course, this is a leash in a fantasy novel, of course it produces magical pain." His captor came to the cell.  
  
"Remember what I told you. I'm the sul'dam and you're the damane. This a'dam leash prevents you from escaping."  
  
"I thought this was a rada'han! Or a mord-sith leash! How uncreative can the fantasy writers be to be so blatantly derivative of one another?"  
  
"It's a genre born of derivation." The woman started to walk off.  
  
"Wait, I don't even know your name!" Richard called after her.  
  
"It's Renna." Richard felt a start.  
  
"Denna?" It couldn't be her of course, she was dead, with the good spirits now.  
  
She returned to his cell. "No, _Renna_." Richard looked stunned, then that hard look came into his eyes. A familiar ring filled the air as he drew the Sword of Truth and used it to cleave Renna in two.  
  
"A'dam only work on women anyway. Jesus Christ," he muttered to himself as he gathered his things from the cell, "Renna with the leash used to control magic users, not to be confused with Denna with the leash used to control magic users. Jesus Christ."  
  
Richard left the cell and headed off to return to Kahlan.  
  
(note: Renna is a sul'dame in The Great Hunt by Robert Jordan)

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Kahlan ran through the streets of the rebuilt Ebinissia. There were men following her, men with one thing on their mind: rape. She needed to get to Richard, but her relentless pursuers chased her into an alley. It was too soon for her to use her power on any of the men, having just used it a few hours ago on a man who had attempted to rape her while she was shoe shopping.  
  
The alley ended in a stone wall. She turned and faced her pursuers. They were eight large hairy men. They ran towards her and grabbed her. They're sausage-like hands pulled off her clothes, exposing her soft ripe breasts, and her no-no zone. The men pulled her legs apart, and Kahlan resigned herself to her fate.  
  
Suddenly, Colonel Sanders showed up, and began throwing Extra Crispy drumsticks at Kahlan's attackers. They fled in terror.  
  
"Thank you Colonel Sanders. If you hadn't shown up right then, those men would have raped me." The Colonel didn't respond. Instead, he stared at her with a hungry look in his eyes.  
  
It dawned on Kahlan why the Colonel had saved her. She darted past him, and he chased after, readying another drumstick for throwing, and trying to rape Kahlan.

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Richard left the city in which he had been held captive. The desert spread out in front of him. He began to journey across, the heat of the sun pounding itself onto his forehead. Suddenly, he was surrounded by Native-American inspired fantasy savages. They pointed their spears at him.  
  
"Wait!" A wrinkled old man stepped forward. "He is the one spoken of in the prophecies. The Coodlydoodlewhutsit! You shall lead us, the Nartive'Amerlic'ans....'!"  
  
Suddenly Richard was the leader of a race of savages he had previously had nothing to do with. He pulled a checklist out of his pocket and pencilled in "Coodlydoodlewhutsit" beneath the previous checked off items: Seeker of Truth, Caharin, Bringer of Death, Dragon Reborn, Car'a'Carn, Messiah, King of D'hara, Emperor of Your Mom, He Who Comes With The Dawn, He Who Comes With The Dawn Dish Soap, and McDonalds Shift Supervisor.  
  
"Good thing narrative convenience dictates I get to be the leader of everybody I happen upon, and every prophecy alluded to in the narrative is automatically referring to me."  
  
He led the Nartive'Amerlic'ans...' across the desert and some other mountainy grassy type watery areas until he reached Ebinissia.  
  
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Richard found Kahlan in the Ye Olde Funny Bone comedy club. She saw him and ran to him, fending off 45 men trying to rape her.  
  
"Kahlan!"  
  
"Richard!"  
  
Just as you feel relief wash over you now that Richard and Kahlan are reunited, Richard is kidnapped again.  
  
"Noooo!" Kahlan cried out. She sat down and watched the comedian on stage. It was Nynaeve, wisdom of Two Rivers and Aes Sedai.  
  
Nynaeve checked her microphone, then spoke into it. Even though it worked fine, she still had to practically shout into it in order to be heard over all the raping going on.  
  
"See, men is different from women. Men be all like 'I think with the hairs on my chest' and women be all like 'men think with the hairs on their chest'. See see, and check dis, Aiel be diff'rent from white men. White men be all like 'I am not alarmed by the sight of water', but Aiel, check dis, they be all like 'I am alarmed at all this water'!."  
  
Kahlan laughed hysterically. Why, if Nynaeve repeated this phrase over ten 1,000 page books, it would be like having the entire Wheel of Time series on books on tape!  
  
Her thoughts were cut short as somebody else tried to rape her.


End file.
